While I always wanted to be a mom, I didn't always want to be an autism expert. An advocate for people with disabilities. A behavior and medication guru. I know nobody's vision of what parenthood is going to be like aligns perfectly with reality. For some of us though, the reality is a lot further away from the fantasy than it is for others.
I know a mom with three typically developing children, who while loving being a mom, has never wanted to play with her kids. She just doesn't like children's games or toys much. Now that her kids are getting a little older and are teens, she is enjoying going to their basketball, football, and soccer games. But when they were little, she was annoyed with Barbies and Matchbox cars and Legos. She didn't want to play Chutes and Ladders or color in a coloring book. I think she did it occasionally, to appease them, but most of the time she claimed housework duties or other adult-type busy-ness, when the kids would ask her to play.
Some days, I find myself feeling similarly about many of the aspects of raising children with Fragile X and autism. I wouldn't have minded Barbies and I actually really like coloring, but I am going crazy from hearing the same Wiggles tune play over and over, while my son watches and shrieks, stimming to the same 20 seconds of "Here Comes the Chicken" 37 times.
Being the mom to children with disabilities is a part some of us are playing better than others. And there are days, lots of them, when I get up in the morning and I just don't want to put the "Fragile X mom" costume on. I don't want to spend my time doling out medications, organizing schedules for therapy, and potty training 10 year olds. And yes, I do feel guilty for not loving every single moment of parenthood.
Oh well. Soldiering on. Because you get what you get, and you don't throw a fit, right?