Friday, June 03, 2011

Totally Off Topic: Going to the Movies by Yourself

(Feel Good Friday was created by The Girl Next Door Grows Up and is currently being hosted by Lia Sophia Tomgirl.)

A good movie is such a great escape.  For a couple of hours my whole life can consist of just a big screen, great actors, an engaging story, some very unhealthy popcorn, a diet Coke.  No kids, laundry, phone calls, family therapy, forms, diapers, screaming, cereal, lawn mowing, dishes, appointments, Wiggles, toys, ............

When Mark was laid off during the last couple of years, I went to movies by myself sometimes, on the days he was home too, and there was just no need for us both to be here all day.   I knew that eventually he'd have a job and I'd have to take over the home and kid duties 100% once again, so I took advantage of being able to get out of the house during the day once in awhile.  Shopping was a bad (expensive) idea, but a matinee can be quite affordable with coupons and frequent viewer cards.  Two hours all by myself.  It was quite heavenly.

Now when I go to the movies with someone else I'm like, wait, you mean I have to wait for you? I have to consider what movie YOU might want to watch?  And sit maybe where you want to sit? And share my popcorn?  Oh, man....

Around 10 years ago someone emailed this list to me and I saved it because I thought it was brilliant.  Remember back when we were all forwarding each other little jokes, stories, quotes, lists, pictures, and inspirational things?  And every email would have about 100,000 >>>>s before each line of text?  Has anyone ever been able to explain why that happened?

Anyway here I removed all the >>>>>s for your viewing ease.  You're welcome.

I have no idea who wrote this, or I'd credit them appropriately.

Oh and before you read this list, you should know that one of my favorite movies is Flash Gordon (1980).



If I ever become an Evil Overlord:

1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, "Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply will be, "No, just sensible."

8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?"  I'll say, "Nope" and shoot him.

9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess (or perhaps, prince), we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push".

11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.

12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum-- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident: I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.

15. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.

16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before its implementation.

17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.

19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.

22. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

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